Stepparents come into our stepkids' lives with the best of intentions. What your stepkid actually hates are your dumb rules And the only way for that to happen is by them getting to know you- which requires you and your stepkids and your partner to all spend time together. Those so-called experts who give this bad stepparenting advice leave out the second part of the equation: a stepkid won't stop rejecting you until they start accepting you as part of the family unit, and therefore no longer a threat. She was even jealous of the time I spent with him while she was at her mom's house and couldn't be with him anyway.

In my experience, no matter how much 1-on-1 time I gave my SD with her dad, she still hated my guts. The usual stepparenting advice is to just give your stepkids plenty of 1-on-1 time with their parent, as if pretending you’re not reallllly part of your stepkids’ life is a viable long-term solution. Rejection topped off with a fair amount of brattiness. The stepkid uses rejection to drive the stepparent threat away. Instead, the primal lizard-brain part of their survival instinct sees a stepparent as a danger to the parent-child bond. Stepkids incorrectly believe that a stepparent showing up on the scene interferes with this, so they view us as the enemy.Ĭhildren don't understand that their parent’s love for a romantic partner in no way affects their parent’s love for them. Biology designed it that way on purpose children's literal survival depends on maintaining closeness to their caregiver. Stepkids hate that stepparents steal their parent from them I mean, otherwise they'd have to acknowledge a lot of unpleasant truths about their parents, which most kids can't handle. Don’t like what’s for dinner? Blame the stepparent! Grouchy about the conflict between houses and sick of feeling stuck in the middle? Probably that dang stepparent’s fault!Įven if the divorce is ancient history and there's never not been conflict between houses, the arrival of a stepparent gives children of divorce a gift they never had before: a safe target for their unhappiness. This makes stepparents the perfect candidates for stepkids to turn into scapegoats. All they care is that you represent change, and change is scary and bad- especially to kids who are still shaken up from the massive upheaval of divorce. Your stepkid doesn't care how terrific you are or how happy you make their parent. Your stepkid hating you is more of a reflection on everything your role as a stepparent represents than it is on your personality. I’ve totally been there and it totally sucks.) 1. 💁🏻‍♀️ (Sorry you’re dealing with that, btw. So with reassurance in mind, take a deep breath and let's take a closer look at the 5 main reasons why your stepkid might hate you. The very fact that you're out here looking for help by reading this blog shows that you're a decent person who gives a shit about your stepkid and wants your relationship to improve. So not only are you not alone, but you're probably not even doing anything terribly wrong. Stepkids have rejected stepparents as long as stepkids and stepparents have existed. Let me just start by saying that your stepkid hating you is super normal- I want every stepparent to be very clear on that so we can all stop blaming ourselves.

I need you to hate me book